Image by nimboo via Flickr
My thoughts have drifted back to the past quite a bit lately.
First, I am so happy to have been in contact with my daughter again. I know one of the main reasons for my depression over the past few years was not being able to contact them. I was falsely accused of so many things by my exhusband’s second wife. I lost custody and contact rights.
After my kids were out of my life, things just seemed completely grey and worthless. My kids were my life. I had never done anything to harm them. In fact, that would have gone against my every belief. I am just glad that at least my daughter is back in my life. My son is still upset that I haven’t been there these past 10 years. I just hope that he will eventually come around. It’s amazing how much my daughter looks like I did back at her age. Which is another reason why my head has strayed down the path to the past.
I think back to all the things in my life that have gone on. One of my other regrets would be Wayne Evans. I can truly say that to this day, I still miss him. I wish I had never listened to my mom and broke up with him. I realized years later that she wanted me to break up with him so I wouldn’t leave the house and she would be alone. But I lost the only man that I have ever loved and to this day still love. For some reason, I just can’t let go of this loss. I have been in many relationships before and since. None have ever affected me like this.
I have so many clear memories of the past. Unfortunately, most of my present is just filled up with the same thing day in and day out. It seems like it isn’t even worthy of trying to remember anything from my present. Hopefully, one day my life will be filled with more and more worthwhile memories. For right now, I guess I will just let my head linger in the past.
I remember when my friend Clara and I were going through some really rocky times with guys we were seeing, we would watch Pretty Woman over and over. We even changed one of the songs from the movie. Instead of “I want to be rich”. We changed it to “I want to be a bitch”. That some how got us through some tough times.
I can’t count how many times we watched that or Ice Castles. OMG! I loved that movie. I still haven’t brought myself to watch the remake of it, even though I have it. The theme song is so great.
I remember after breaking up with Wayne, I started dating this guy Gary. I feel bad because I used him to try to get Wayne jealous. Gary was a really nice guy. He never deserved to be used like that. I often wonder how he is doing. I saw him once when I was at church with a friend, but I didn’t have the guts to say hi to him.
I remember after my son was born, he was in NICU for almost a week. He was the biggest baby in there since he was almost a week late. In fact, the day that they were going to induce me, I went into labor. They had to break my water though. When they did break it, there was tons of meconium. They were worried about aspiration. I was pushing for a little over an hour when they started setting up the vac. My mind had tons of crazy thoughts rushing through it during labor. I remember telling my sister Brenda that I didn’t want to do it and I wanted to go home. As if labor would miraculously disappear if I went home. When I saw them setting up the vac, my mind just thought that I didn’t want my baby delivered by Hoover and some how I came up with the strength to finally push him out. I remember spending each day next to him in the ICU unit. If it wasn’t for limited visiting hours, I would have stayed there around the clock. They wouldn’t let me though.
When I my daughter Becky was born, I barely started pushing and she was already halfway out. In fact, they had to tell me to stop pushing so they could finish setting up. Then again, she was in a rush to be born. I had gone into preterm labor with her and was in the hospital for a little while in order for them to stop the labor. I remember at one point there was a hurricane heading towards Fort Myers (where we were living at the time). My mom came and stayed with us since the hospitals there didn’t have pregnant women come in. The hospital that my mom and I had worked at (in Hollywood) always had pregnant women come in. Because if something happens during a hurricane there is no guarantee that an ambulance can get to you. The only thing the hospital in Fort Myers did was give me a list of emergency supplies in case we had to a delivery at home during the hurricane. That was really scary. Thankfully nothing had happened.
My mind has been on so many other memories today. Maybe I will share them later. Or maybe I will just hold them dear in my heart.
Now listening to: Melissa Manchester – – Looking Through the Eyes of Love